Resolving conflicts involves helping children work through disagreements in a way that builds communication, emotional awareness, and problem-solving skills. In early childhood settings, conflict is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It is an important part of learning how to be in relationship with other people.
Children learn from conflict. Did that sound nutty to you? If so, you might be conflict avoidant. While no one LIKES to fight (that’s right even your partner), some people can tolerate conflict because they understand it’s natural in any relationship and we can learn and grow from it.
That is why it is so important that adults teach children the process of resolving conflicts instead of stepping in as the judge, referee, or umpire. When teachers decide who was right, who was wrong, or what the solution should be, children may comply in the moment, but they do not necessarily build the social emotional skills they need. When teachers guide children through a process, children learn how to express what happened, name their feelings, think of solutions, and work problems out together.
The problem? Many adults were not taught how to resolve conflicts growing up. Sad, but true. If you are conflict avoidant or find that conflict from your past remains unresolved a therapist like me can help if needed. Don’t worry, though, it’s not hard to learn the steps; but it might be hard to implement them. It takes practice. At the end of the article I link to videos to help you see this approach in an actual classroom setting where I was the coach.
Resolving Conflicts: a Classroom Example
Two children are building during center time with Magna-Tiles. One child pulls the whole basket closer and says, “I had them first.” The other child starts to cry and says, “You took them all.” She starts to pull on the basket to get some and the child hits her in the face.
The teacher notices that something is going on and walks over to support the children.
The 4 Steps of Conflict Resolution in the Classroom
1. What Happened?
The first step is helping both children tell the story of the conflict from their own point of view. I know: you want to scold the child who hit, right? Most adults would. But how will the child learn how to behave differently in the future if all you do is punish the child? They won’t. And then they hit again and you label that child a “problem.”
The problem is that they need to be involved in resolving conflicts. And, I haven’t been to your classroom, but I’ll bet that you have spent a lot of time telling children use your gentle hands and to let them know hitting is not acceptable. They don’t need to learn that; they need to learn HOW to handle challenges.
When both children can participate, and perhaps after you comfort the child who was hit, you walk them through finding the resolution to their problem.
The teacher might say:
“Tell me what happened.”
“Let’s have each of you share what happened one at a time.”
At this step, the teacher does not announce what they saw or decide who is right. Instead, the teacher mirrors and summarizes each child’s words.
That may sound like:
Mirroring child one’s perspective: “Oh, so you were using the Magna-Tiles and wanted to keep building.”
Mirroring the second child: “And you wanted some too, but the basket got pulled away.”
Summarizing: “So it sounds like you both wanted the same materials.”
Mirroring and summarizing help children slow down, feel heard, and begin organizing the problem in words. Just this first step can deescalate things because both children feel seen.
2. How Do You Feel?
Resolving conflicts includes learning how to identify feelings; for all children involved, not just the child who is crying or hurt.
PLEASE do not skip this step.
It’s imperative for creating Emotional Intelligence. Most conflicts have strong emotions as the catalyst to challenging behavior. Think about it: if the child didn’t have big emotions about the issue, there wouldn’t be an uproar. The conflict wouldn’t be that bad.
It’s the emotions behind the behavior we need to target.
And, teachers? Emotions are one word, not a sentence. You can use them in a sentence, such as “You felt angry, huh?” But the emotion is: angry. For instance, “I wanted the toy” is not a feeling. It’s a thought. Be sure to find the emotions and if they can’t come up with emotion words it means they haven’t had enough instruction on doing so. Oila! You are on the right track.
Be ready: many times I ask a child how they feel and they say things totally off topic like, “Mickey Mouse came to my birthday party.” Because they aren’t used to identifying, understanding, and expressing their feelings. It’s either a signal adults don’t check in on their emotions very often or a sign the child just isn’t sure.
Feelings Matter
If you need more guidance on emotional intelligence, try “Helping Children Navigate Challenges,” or “Emotional Intelligence: 4 Easy Steps.”
The teacher might say:
“How do you feel?”
“How did you feel when that happened?”
Please avoid this language: “How did that MAKE you feel?” We are resolving conflicts, not trying to start more.
That language can pour fuel on the fire: this person MADE me feel that way vs. I feel that way. This matters a lot for relational safety. And, it’s just factual. You and I can have the exact same experience with a person and you feel one way I feel another. They didn’t “make us feel.” Based on our lived experience, the feeling was triggered inside us.
At this step, the teacher empathizes and validates each child’s emotional experience without excusing hurtful behavior. Firs they ask about the emotions, and if they name them you mirror that back.
That may sound like:
“Wow, you felt scared when she grabbed the basket? That makes sense.”
“You felt sad that your friend didn’t share? I get that.”
Or, the child may not know the emotion, so you scaffold. You know scaffolding, teachers. With that you offer potential emotions.
That may sound like:
“Seems like you might have felt frustrated because you were still using them, huh?”
“Maybe you felt sad because you wanted a turn? You are crying so you seem sad.”
“I wonder if you were scared because she just grabbed the basket?:
Notice the wording and use it: Seems like, Maybe you, I wonder if. You are signaling to the child that you are trying your best to empathize, but are open to getting the emotion wrong. The child might say, “I wasn’t sad I was annoyed.” Then you reflect that back.
This matters because children need practice recognizing that everyone in a conflict is having an emotional experience. That is part of building empathy and emotional literacy. Also, in my over 30-years of practice as a therapist Emotional Intelligence is the least developed skill second only to conflict resolution.
3. What Solutions Can We Try?
The third step in resolving conflicts involves helping children think through possible solutions instead of having the teacher solve the problem for them. Fixers: please note that we didn’t START with solutions. That is on purpose.
I know, you feel like you don’t have the time to go through all these steps when you could just direct and correct with, “Sarah had the magna tiles first. Give them back.”
But guess what? You just made your job harder in the long run because they are going to keep needing you to referee their issues. Eventually, they will learn to do these steps with minimal intervention.
As part of this step, the children get the Solution Kit that is available in EACH CENTER and the teacher might say:
“What solutions can we try?”
“Let’s look at the Solution Kit together.”
The Solution Kit in action
The children look through the solutions below and try to find one they can agree on:
- take turns
- share
- play together
- use something else
- get an adult
- get a timer
- wait
You can put any solutions in your kit. Whatever solutions would be best for resolving conflicts in your classroom. Take pictures of the children, for added bonus, sharing, taking turns, playing together, getting an adult, etc. Or, use cartoon images.
But the idea is they start to look through options together. I know it sounds unlikely, but they often find one they agree on or one person gets bored with this whole process and just walks away.
At this step, the teacher continues to summarize the problem and support problem solving.
That may sound like:
“Looks like you decided to get a timer. You both are satisfied with that choice?”
“Seems like you can’t agree on a solution. Let’s have you both walk away and you can try again later if you want.”
“Seems like you can’t agree on a solution. Would you like me to pick one?”
The goal is not for the teacher to pick the answer, but if they are at a stalemate it’s okay. Avoid this option if possible. The goal is to help children practice generating and choosing solutions.
4. Acknowledge Children’s Efforts
Once the children choose a solution and try it, the final step is acknowledging their effort using Positive Descriptive Acknowledgement (PDA) or PDA Plus, not praise.
The teacher might say:
“You chose to get the timer and now you both get to have a turn! You worked it out.”
“Wow, you both managed to work it out. I bet you feel proud of yourselves.”
“You stuck with a hard problem and worked it out together.”
“You both shared your ideas and made a plan. That’s teamwork.”
At this step, the teacher is still reflecting the children’s process back to them. The teacher is noticing effort, persistence, and problem solving without judging or evaluating the children.
This is also the natural place to link to your PDA article.
Why This Matters
When teachers stop acting like referees and start acting like guides, resolving conflicts becomes a powerful social emotional learning opportunity. Children learn that disagreements can be talked through, feelings can be named, and solutions can be found without adult judgment deciding everything for them.
Over time, this process helps children build communication, empathy, flexibility, and confidence. That is why conflict resolution in the preschool classroom is not just about stopping a problem. It is about teaching lifelong relationship skills.
Want to see this approach, including the Solution Kit, in action? I have several videos on my YouTube channel, but start with this one, “The Four Steps to Conflict Resolution.” See if you can identify all four steps…they are there! Try watching the other classroom videos as well. Each teacher puts her own style into it. For more information about this approach and my other tools, you can email me today.