During a counseling session, a parent overwhelmed with her child’s challenging behavior shared her approach when she is uncertain of what to do. She told me, “I try to just stay positive, tell him not to worry, and offer as many distractions as I can think of. That’s all I can do, right?”
Um, no.
Most adults strive to maintain a sense of safety and security for children by protecting them from the stress of life’s challenges. This makes sense, in part, because children rely on us to meet their needs and to keep them from harm.
During the early years of the pandemic, people throughout the world faced illness, job loss, disconnection from loved ones, disruption of daily routines, loss of access to goods, services, and even death. Guidelines for how to navigate this crisis changed daily as new information emerged. Many adults shared they felt uncertain about how to explain to children what is happening and how to cope with the challenging behavior. There was no one-size-fits all answer. This leads to uncertainty. Yet figuring out how to respond to challenges in a healthy manner comes up regularly for all humans. This article provides a framework for navigating the uncertainty of challenges based on science, not habit.
The Mistaken Goal: protecting children
While it is natural to seek protection for children, I explained to my client that denying a child’s experience by avoiding a challenging topic might make matters worse. When adults dismiss or deny children’s concerns by offering the message there is nothing to worry about, or tell them it’s “all good,” children don’t receive the attuned guidance they need to prevent challenging behavior. To navigate the challenges effectively.
Even though we have adjusted to living with this new virus and people do not seem to be as challenged by it now, we still face uncertainty daily; specifically, teachers, caregivers, and parents get stuck trying to respond to children’s challenging behavior with effective strategies.
Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a pattern for how adults navigate challenges with children, especially when they feel overwhelmed that nothing is “working.” They tend to react with what I call “The Four D’s”: dismiss, deny, distract, or direct.
Dismiss and Deny:
The first two D’s: dismiss or deny. Claiming there is nothing wrong by dismissing or denying challenges may erode children’s trust. They are showing you with their behavior or telling you with words that they are facing a challenge. The way you show up for that child matters.
If you dismiss or deny the child’s challenge, challenging behavior arises because the child doesn’t feel seen, soothed, safe, or secure. You basically did not attend or befriend to the child’s reality. How does that feel when someone does that to you?
For example, a three-year old named Deon in your classroom was hoping to get a blue sippy cup at lunch, but only red are left. He starts to use a whining tone, “Teacher, I need the blue cup. I really do!” To which the teacher replies, “We only have red. It’s not a big deal. You are fine.”
The teacher denied there was a challenge at all. You might be thinking, “Yes, because not getting the blue sippy cup is NOT a challenge.” That’s where adults err. Because this IS a challenge to the child. When you dismiss or deny a challenge, you risk him feeling like you are denying his reality.
The child noticed that you said one thing, “You are fine,” yet the child doesn’t feel fine.
An example with more intense challenging behavior: The child throws his cup on the ground and apple juice spills all over the floor the teacher has just cleaned. In a loud voice filled with exasperation, the teacher says, “Deon, there is no need for this behavior. The red cups are perfectly fine to drink out of.” The teacher dismisses the challenge and spends no time being curious about Deon’s perspective at all; which means, it was denied outright.
Again, the child hears the adult say, “it’s fine,” but you are not acting like “it’s fine” and Deon isn’t “feeling fine.”
When children are giving you a hard time, their behavior is sending you the message they are having a hard time.
Read that again.
Let it sink in.
Deon needs, not wants, you to help him figure out how to handle this challenge.
The connection to uncertainty
What does not getting the blue sippy cup have to do with uncertainty you might ask? In this example, Deon may feel a) uncertain of why he can’t have a blue cup, b) uncertain when he might be able to get one again, c) uncertain of how to regulate his strong emotions about the situation, and c) uncertain if the teacher understands why he is so upset. His challenging behavior communicates to you his lack of certainty about how to manage his thoughts, feelings, and body sensations.
But he does not need you to just TELL him the answers to those uncertainties; instead, children need you to SHOW them how to tolerate uncertainty and move through a challenge skillfully. The issue can be that the adults don’t know how to teach those set of skills. This is where I can be of service.
It may not be obvious how uncertainty contributes to challenging behavior; but, it’s the adult’s job to figure that out. The child might not have the capacity to explain to you, i.e., “Teacher, my cortisol levels are through the roof right now because my moms are fighting, my grandpa is in the hospital, and my adrenaline just soared when you said we didn’t have the blue sippy cup today.”
Instead, their challenging behavior tells us what they cannot. Unfortunately, it often leaves us baffled because what we see isn’t always what the child’s sees. Importantly, the adult needs to consider the child’ perspective to figure out what the challenge means to the child. Thinking of the situation through Deon’s eyes, not the adults, reveals where the uncertainty, and thus the crux of the challenge, lurks for Deon. He had a strong desire for the blue sippy cup and there were none.
From an adult perspective that may seem like nothing to get upset about; but, from a child’s perspective? High stakes social politics. His needs matter; in this case, his need to feel satisfied with his cup choice; perhaps his need to feel emotionally safe/his feelings matter to the teacher; or, his need to feel connected/his teacher responded to his concerns.
This dissonance between what children see, think, and feel and what adults say and do may dismiss or deny children’s reality. How can children trust you when you are telling them there is nothing to be upset about when they feel upset, and they notice something is wrong?
Challenging behavior results from a lack of direct guidance on how to make sense of the thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and body sensations the child experiences when challenges arise. They need that guidance because children are uncertain how to navigate challenges and lack the brain circuitry to do so effectively on their own.
They need, not want, adult’s help coping with their interior landscapes when challenges arises.
If the adults are dismissing and denying the challenge, no useful guidance can happen. Feelings of safety, satisfaction, and connection arise when adults help children tell the story of their interior landscape/experience. Not seek to protect them through false assurances or rushing them to “fine.”
Why not distract them away from the problem?
The third “D”: distract. Protecting children by distracting them away from a challenge robs them of an opportunity to learn coping strategies. After all, we are supposed to teach children not clear their paths of all obstacles. When you attempt to distract the child’s attention away from a challenge, you fail to provide children the co-regulation they need, not want, to learn how to cope with the challenge effectively.
In the example with Deon above, the teacher might try to distract him by saying, “Look, Deon! We have chicken tenders and corn and milk for lunch. One of your favorite meals!” She doesn’t address the cup issue at all. Deon doesn’t receive any direct teaching on how to address this challenge.
More simply put: adults use the distraction/redirection tool far too much. Probably because it is easy for the adult to implement and occasionally the child will forget the challenge, so it seems to work. But consider this: you haven’t directly taught the child how to handle anything when you redirect. You just diverted their attention. What about next time there is a challenge? You might be working against yourself here.
Once children move out of infant/toddler stages, it’s important to minimize distraction and focus instead on teaching the child how to identify, understand, express, and manage their thoughts, feelings, and body sensations during a challenge. Not ignore them through distraction.
This becomes important to note as we observe that anxiety has outpaced depression as the number one mental health diagnosis in the United States. Perhaps we might learn from this frightening statistic that humans need assistance to learn how to effectively and skillfully move through challenges. The Four D’s are not effective or skillful. They do not teach. At their best, the Four D’s are band aids; at their worst, they delay the child’s healthy development.
Dismissing, denying, and distracting doesn’t teach the child anything except that the adults in their life don’t seem to understand them. The adults mean well: trying to stop the whining and help the child feel better. In the end, however, dismissing, denying, and distraction tend to serve the adult’s need–stop the challenging behavior— versus what the child needs–to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure.
Rushing to fix: directing the focus toward a solution
The fourth “D”: direct. Rushing to fix the problem by directing the child’s attention to a solution. Directing is probably the most frequent behavior I see when adults face challenging behavior. They rush the child to happy or rush to find a solution.
In the example here directing might sound like, “Today you have to use the blue cup, but tomorrow you will have the red” or “Let’s see a smile on that face! Tomorrow you will get the blue cup!”
I sometimes call this, “rushing children to happy” or “rushing to fix” the problem. A preponderance of people identifies as “fixers”. These people seem to be highly uncomfortable with challenges, conflict or anyone feeling distressed (including themselves). As such, they jump past acknowledging the challenge and attuning to the child’s perspective right to offering a solution.
How w can you find an effective solution to a problem if you haven’t considered the child’s perspective? You likely don’t even understand the problem fully if you have not engaged the child in telling you their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and body sensations. How can you offer an effective solution if you do not have that data from the child? A long-term solution, not a band-aid. Don’t you want to work smarter, not harder?
Consider my quote the next time you are rushing to fix the problem: “Children are not objects in need of fixing; but rather, humans in need of understanding.“
If you don’t pause to consider their interior landscape, you cannot fully understand children. Feelings of safety and security grow as children learn to identify, understand, and express what they think, feel, perceive, sense, and believe with an organizing presence to guide them.
Teach me what to do instead: involving the child
If protecting children from reality and rushing them to happy with The Four D’s is not the answer, then what is?
Involve them.
Clearly, adults need to language the reality of uncertain or challenging times with careful consideration. Children’s underdeveloped brains cannot process all that is happening. They need adults to guide them through their experience in developmentally appropriate ways. But the fact that the human brain doesn’t develop until the early thirties means they need, not want, your attuned engagement to help them navigate challenges.
Here’s how: the “Four A’s of Navigating Challenges”
1. Acknowledge the challenge: acknowledge before offering a solution.
This is exceedingly difficult for most adults. Especially those who are “fixers.” They either deny there is a problem or skip over acknowledging the thoughts and feelings associated with the problem to dive into a solution.
If adults rush to offer solutions, the child misses the chance to learn the skills of problem solving, conflict resolution, and emotional literacy. We need to acknowledge “what is” for the child so we can help them learn how to move through it. Such an approach seems foreign to many adults.
Why pause to acknowledge the challenge when I have a fix/solution at the ready?
Because your job is to teach children how to handle these issues; not rely on adults to figure everything out. When adults collaborate with children experiencing challenges, children are positioned to develop the resilience to navigate life’s difficulties.
Perhaps ask yourself: how can I “fix” what I haven’t acknowledged in the first place? You might not have all the information relevant to an effective solution without first connecting to the child’s perspective. Work smarter, not harder.
We are a meaning making species. Since we will not know how to navigate every challenge that arises, be sure to involve children in finding the meaning with you. Transform crisis into opportunity by teaching children how to skillfully navigate through challenges instead of shielding them.
2. Attune to the child’s perspective: as part of acknowledging the challenge, ask for and attune to the child’s verbal and non-verbal expressions of concern. This includes children’s thoughts, feelings, images, physical sensations, and behaviors.
Here’s the key, though: you need to attune with openness and curiosity. Your intention is to gain knowledge to help the child, not to shame, blame, punish, judge, or “fix” the child. That is very hard for adults to do when the child’s behavior is challenging. When attuning to the child’s perspective, adults’ tend to use that information gathered to dismantle the perspective shared, to change the child’s perspective. The concern with that? If you move too quickly, the child doesn’t feel seen, soothed, safe, or secure.
But remember: if the child is giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. If you signify, though verbal or non-verbal cues, that you need them to let go of their perspective and take on yours, you may exacerbate the behavior. The child may appear to “double-down” to try to be understood. Or, the behavior comes to an abrupt halt because the child sacrifices their authenticity to maintain their attachment to you i.e., to be who you need them to be/to make you happy.
In the example with the sippy cup above, the teacher might have attuned to the child by acknowledging the challenge (“Oh, Deon, you are having a problem with the sippy cups! Tell me what is happening for you, buddy.”), summarizing his perspective (“You love the blue sippy cup and we are out of them. Teacher Becca told you that you could have the blue one today and it isn’t here. Am I getting it?”), empathizing (“You are sad. I see your big tears and your body is slumped in the chair.”) and then validating (“It’s hard not to get your favorite cup at lunch, huh?”).
Acknowledging, summarizing, empathizing, and validating are four active listening skills to use when you want to attune.
Notice that the teacher is not dismissing, denying, distracting, or directing (offering a solution). Instead, they actively listen showing openness and curiosity about the child’s perspective. Attuning to the child in this way may help the child feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Can you see how?
There are many ways to attune, so don’t get stuck on this one example. The key is to be curious about the child’s interior landscape: what is the CHILD thinking, feeling, sensing, perceiving, and believing in this moment? Not you. Them. Your perspective matters, too, of course. But if you want to effectively navigate challenging behavior, you best become an expert on gathering the child’s perspective.
Attuning to the child may also include asking open-ended questions, “How are you feeling?” or “What are you thinking right now?” But young children might not have the intrapersonal attunement and/or the verbal acuity to describe their interior landscape….yet. They need you to teach them this skill.
To start, you may have to engage them through interpersonal attunement, describing observed or imagined thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, verbal, and non-verbal behavior aloud as in the example above. If you are wrong, the child can correct you i.e., “I am not frustrated, I am mad!”. Don’t worry about not naming the thoughts or feelings correctly. In this case, you are demonstrating to the child you are trying to see and soothe them so they feel safe and secure. Not rushing to fix them. That’s more important than getting the exact verbiage correct.
In this way, an attuned approach to challenges helps the child “feel felt.” Acknowledging a challenge and offering an attuned response to the child’s experience, supports the child’s need for safety, satisfaction, and connection. When you relate to the child’s perspective in this way, you help them regulate.
3. Adopt a regulatory stance: acknowledging the challenge and attuning to the child’s perspective begins the process of co-regulation. The first two components of this framework work together to promote this third component, the ability to adopt a stance of regulation: both self-regulation for the adult and co-regulation for the child.
Children need, not want, the adult brain to help them regulate.
The teacher was adopting a co-regulation stance with Deon by acknowledging his challenge of not getting the cup he wanted, and by attuning to this story which included his feelings and body sensations. Resonating with a child helps them to eventually return to balance. Why? Because with attuning you meet them where they are at: Deon is having a strong emotional reaction to a situation that is important to him. Instead of trying to rush him out of it, you demonstrate this feelings matter. You see him so he can begin to feel soothed, safe, and secure.
Adults involve children in calming down instead of telling them to calm down by acknowledging, attuning, and adopting co-regulation strategies. In particular, active listening strategies may serve to balance the child’s nervous system when you: summarize the child’s perspective, empathize with the child’s perspective, validate the child’s perspective, and offer physical comfort (a hug, gentle touch, facial expressions of concern, etc.) based on the child’s needs, not the adults.
Please note: acknowledging and attuning does not mean you agree with the child’s perspective. It means you care about the child’s experience. You strive to be a signal of welcome not warning. With this, you understand the child’s nervous system needs guidance to return to balance.
If you strive to practice equity, inclusion, and social justice in your home or classroom, “The Four D’s” does not deliver any of those things. With “The Four A’s,” you involve children in telling the story of their experience from their point of view. This is the path to fully including all children.
4. Ask for collaboration to formulate a plan of resilience: after acknowledging, attuning, and adopting, you involve children by asking for their input. With this, the adult is showing interest in including children’s ideas for adjusting, coping, and even thriving. As such, the adult may be seen as a collaborator, support person, signal of welcome. Not just someone who will tell them how to fix the problem. Someone who denies their reality.
The teacher eventually noticed Deon’s nervous system seemed in balance (he seemed calm after you acknowledged and attuned), so she might ask:
“What thoughts do you have on preventing this challenge in the future, Deon?”
“You know, sometimes we do run out of the blue cups. How might I help you if we run out again?”
This part of the framework might happen at another time away from the initial challenge. For instance, later in the day at outside play time, the teacher might be digging in the sand with Deon and say, “Hey, I was thinking back on the challenge you had with the sippy cup. Any ideas for how I might help you in the future if that happens again?” or “Deon, you have a big brain. Help me figure out what we can do next time to prevent the sippy cup situation from being challenging for you. Any ideas?”
Clearly, adults can add their ideas to the child’s; after all, we have had more experience with problem solving so our guidance is crucial.
It’s important to note, however, that many adults believe they are guiding a child when they are actually governing them. Those are two different things. When you dismiss, deny, distract or direct you are governing them, i.e., controlling them, not teaching them, rushing to resolution versus seeing the child. Consider the difference for yourself if you felt someone was trying to control/govern you versus support/guide you. I encourage you to be a signal of welcome to the child, not a signal of warning if you want to decrease the challenging behavior long-term.
Navigating the Uncertainty of Challenges with Children
My client was skeptical about this framework at first. It didn’t feel “natural.”
I validated her perspective and affirmed that it wasn’t meant to feel natural. Instead, it was meant to help adults teach and parent based on science, not habit.
I trust it will become natural over time, I told her.
After three weeks of trying out “The Four A’s” framework, she reported it seemed more effective than her former approach of just staying positive (dismissing, denying, and distracting from the challenge) and rushing to fix (directing). In fact, she reported, each one of the components of the framework proved useful in her daily interactions with her child, not just for discussing challenges. Specifically, the active listening skills involved in attuned engagement seemed to strengthen her connection to her child.
Indeed!
The 2-Minute Action Plan: getting started
Where do I start? Perhaps these prompts will help you :
- Start by noticing how often you dismiss, deny, distract or direct (yourself, your friends, your family, your children) when challenges arise. You want to have a baseline understanding of how you habitually react to challenges first.
- Ask yourself what am I afraid might happen if I acknowledge the challenge with my child? What do I envision happening if I don’t have answers to questions that arise? What feeling inside of me am I trying to avoid?
- Was I taught to identify, understand, express, and then manage my feelings or was I told to manage my feelings without guidance on how to skillfully do so? What strategies do I use for myself as an adult when I am feeling emotionally imbalanced? Are they healthy? Would I want my children to use these same coping strategies?
- What do I think children need when they are faced with challenges or uncertainty? How did this article change and/or strengthen my views? Am I open to updating any of my current beliefs?
- Imagine how conversations might be different for you and your child if you use “The 4 A’s of Navigating Uncertainty” framework…you might consider what could be challenging about engaging this way, but make sure you also explore how it might be beneficial for you and your child as well.
The Ongoing Action Plan
Over the next week try this:
- Plan ahead: Write out the four steps of navigating uncertainty and take time to really understand each step. Imagine how you would carry out “The Four A’s” with your child. It is different for every person. Make it your own, while staying true to the guidelines. Consider creating a visual reminder of the framework for yourself to display somewhere as a reminder and reference.
- Reflect: What do I need to help me feel resourced enough to guide my child through “The Four A’s”? What are the things that help me feel confident and competent as a parent? Do those things and/or notice when you feel this way.
- Click on the links within the article above to help you begin using this approach with your child. See if you can find a trusted adult to reflect with to help you plan how to roll this out with your child.
- Keep in Mind: The brain is a prediction machine. It tries to make sense of what is happening with as little information as possible, comparing what “is” with what it already knows. When things in the world are not making sense for the child, you can provide the attunement, co-regulation, and collaboration they need to feel a sense of safety and security amidst the uncertainty.
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