During a counseling session, a parent shared her challenges with her child’s behavior during lock down for COVID. She told me, “I try to just stay positive and tell him not to worry. I offer as many distractions as I can think of. That’s all I can do, right?”
Um, no.
Most adults strive to maintain a sense of safety and security for children. By protecting them from the stress of life’s challenges. This makes sense, in part, because children rely on us to meet their needs and to keep them from harm.
During the early years of the pandemic, people throughout the world faced myriad challenges. Illness, job loss, disconnection from loved ones, disruption of daily routines, loss of access to goods, services, and even death. Guidelines for how to navigate this crisis changed daily as new information emerged.
Many adults shared they felt uncertain about how to explain to children what was happening. Further, they didn’t know how to cope with the challenging behavior. There was no one-size-fits all answer. The uncertainty during this challenging time impacted both the adults and the children.
Yet figuring out how to respond to challenges in a healthy manner comes up regularly for all humans. This article provides a framework for navigating the uncertainty of challenges based on science, not habit.
The Mistaken Goal: protecting children from challenges
We all agree it is natural to seek protection for children. Yet, protection may deny a child’s reality. When adults dismiss or deny children’s concerns, children do not receive the attuned guidance they need to prevent challenging behavior. To navigate the challenges effectively.
How might this sound? The adult telling the child there is nothing to worry about, or “all good,” you’re fine, etc.
We may have adjusted to living with this new virus. People do not seem to be as challenged by it now. But we still face uncertainty daily.
Specifically, teachers and parents get stuck trying to respond to children’s challenging behavior when they have uncertainty about the cause of the problem. Not to mention uncertainty with what to do in response.
Unfortunately, I’ve noticed an unhealthy pattern with how adults navigate challenges with children. Especially when they feel overwhelmed that nothing is “working.” They tend to react with what I call “The Four D’s”: dismiss, deny, distract, or direct.
The Four D’s: diminishing a child’s reality
The first two D’s: dismiss or deny. Claiming there is nothing wrong by dismissing or denying challenges may erode children’s trust. They are showing you with their behavior or telling you with words that they are facing a challenge. The way you show up for that child matters.
Challenging behavior arises when children don’t feel seen, soothed, safe, or secure. When you dismiss and deny, you tell the child what they feel isn’t real. How does that feel when someone does that to you?
For example, a three-year old named Deon in your classroom was hoping to get a blue sippy cup at lunch. But only red are left. He starts to use a whining tone, “Teacher, I need the blue cup. I really do!” To which the teacher replies, “We only have red. It’s not a big deal. You are fine.”
The teacher denied there was a challenge at all. You might be thinking, “Yes, because not getting the blue sippy cup is NOT a challenge.” That’s where adults err. Because this IS a challenge to the child. When you dismiss or deny a challenge, you risk him feeling like you are denying his reality. Again, how do you feel when someone denies your reality? The current popular term is: gaslight.
The child noticed that you said one thing, “You are fine,” yet the child doesn’t feel fine.
Diminishing their sense of trust
An example with more intense challenging behavior. The child throws his cup on the ground and apple juice spills all over the floor. In a loud voice filled with exasperation, the teacher says, “Deon, there is no need for this behavior. The red cups are perfectly fine to drink out of.”
The teacher dismisses the challenge. Then, she spends no time being curious about Deon’s perspective. Which means, it was denied outright.
Again, the child hears the adult say, “it’s fine.” But you yelling at the child doesn’t seem to them like “it’s fine” and Deon isn’t “feeling fine.”
When children give you a hard time? Their behavior is sending you the message they are having a hard time.
Read that again.
Let it sink in.
Deon needs, not wants, you to help him figure out how to handle this challenge. Otherwise, he may not trust your ability to be a source of comfort or guidance.
Why uncertainty challenges children
What does not getting the blue sippy cup have to do with uncertainty you might ask?
In this example, Deon may feel:
- uncertain of why he can’t have a blue cup,
- uncertain when he might be able to get one again,
- uncertain of how to regulate his strong emotions about the situation, and
- uncertain if the teacher understands why he is so upset. His challenging behavior communicates to you his lack of certainty about how to manage his thoughts, feelings, and body sensations.
But he does not need you to just TELL him the answers to those uncertainties. Instead, children need you to SHOW them how to tolerate uncertainty and move through a challenge skillfully. The issue can be that the adults don’t know how to teach those set of skills. This is where I can be of service.
It may not be obvious how uncertainty contributes to challenging behavior. But it’s the adult’s job to figure that out. The child might not have the capacity to explain to you, i.e., “Teacher, my cortisol levels are through the roof right now. My moms are fighting, my grandpa is in the hospital. And my adrenaline just soared when you said we didn’t have the blue sippy cup today.”
Instead, their challenging behavior tells us what they cannot. It’s your job as the adult to decode the message.
Decoding the meaning of the behavior
Unfortunately, it often leaves us baffled because what we see isn’t always what the child’s sees. As such, the adult needs to consider the child’ perspective to figure out what the challenge means to the child. Thinking of the situation through Deon’s eyes, not the adults.
This reveals where the uncertainty, and thus the crux of the challenge, lurks for Deon. He had a strong desire for the blue sippy cup and there were none. Set against a backdrop of stress from home that he carried with him to program that day.
From an adult perspective that may seem like nothing to get upset about; but, from a child’s perspective? High stakes social politics.
His needs matter. In this case, his need to feel satisfied with his cup choice. Perhaps his need to feel emotionally safe/his feelings matter to the teacher. And also, his need to feel connected/his teacher responded to his concerns.
The need for clarity through guidance
This dissonance between what children see, think, and feel and what adults say and do may dismiss or deny children’s reality. How can children trust you when you say there is nothing to be upset about when they feel upset? And they notice something is wrong.
Challenging behavior results from a lack of direct guidance. In this case, on how the child may regulate the stressful thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and body sensations. They need that guidance. Why? The brain reasons for behavior apply here. Children lack the brain development to self-regulate entirely.
Read more about brain development and behavior here.
Children need, not want, adult’s help coping with their interior landscapes when challenges arise.
If the adults dismiss and deny the child’s challenge, no useful guidance can happen. Feelings of safety, satisfaction, and connection arise when adults help children tell the story of their interior landscape/experience. Not seek to protect them through false assurances or rushing them to “fine.”
Why not distract them away from the problem?
The third “D”: distract. Protecting children by distracting them away from a challenge robs them of an opportunity to learn coping strategies. After all, we are supposed to teach children, not clear their paths of all obstacles. When you distract the child’s attention, you fail to provide the co-regulation they need to cope with the challenge effectively.
In the example with Deon above, the teacher might try to distract him by saying, “Look, Deon! We have chicken tenders and corn and milk for lunch. One of your favorite meals!” She doesn’t address the cup issue at all. Deon doesn’t receive any direct teaching on how to address this challenge.
More simply put: adults use the distraction/redirection tool far too much.
I get it. It’s quick and easy. Plus, during toddlerhood it’s an encouraged strategy. Again, because of brain development. But consider this: you haven’t directly taught the child how to handle anything when you redirect. You just diverted their attention. What about next time there is a challenge?
You might be working against yourself here. I want you to work smarter, not harder. Don’t you?
So what’s so bad about distraction, anyway?
Once children move out of infant/toddler stages, it’s important to minimize distraction and focus instead on teaching the child. In this case, how to identify, understand, express, and manage their thoughts, feelings, and body sensations during a challenge.
Not ignore them through distraction.
This becomes important to note in current times. Anxiety has outpaced depression as the number one mental health diagnosis in the United States.
Let’s learn from this frightening statistic. Humans need assistance to learn how to effectively and skillfully move through challenges. Specifically, learning how to identify, understand, express, and then………………….manage that mental activity.
Yes, the manage/regulate/control comes at the end. Typically, adults start there.
The Four D’s are not effective or skillful. They do not teach. At their best, the Four D’s are band aids; at their worst, they delay the child’s healthy development.
Dismissing, denying, and distracting doesn’t teach the child anything.
Well, that’s not true. It teaches children that the adults in their life don’t seem to understand them. They aren’t on the same page.
The adults mean well: trying to stop the whining and help the child feel better. In the end, however, dismissing, denying, and distraction serve the adult’s need–stop the challenging behavior. Not what the child needs: to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure.
Rushing to fix: directing the focus toward a solution
The fourth “D”: direct. Rushing to fix the problem by directing the child’s attention to a solution. Directing is probably the most frequent behavior I see when adults face challenging behavior. They rush the child to happy or rush to find a solution.
In the example here directing might sound like, “Today you have to use the blue cup, but tomorrow you will have the red.” Or, “Let’s see a smile on that face! Tomorrow you will get the blue cup!”
I sometimes call this, “rushing children to happy” or “rushing to fix” the problem. A preponderance of people identifies as “fixers”. These people seem to be highly uncomfortable with challenges, conflict or anyone feeling distressed (including themselves). As such, they jump past acknowledging the challenge and attuning to the child’s perspective right to offering a solution.
Let me help you out here…
How can you find an effective solution to a problem if you haven’t considered the child’s perspective? You likely don’t even understand the problem fully. Especially if you have not asked about their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and body sensations. How can you offer an effective solution if you do not have that data from the child? A long-term solution, not a band-aid.
Don’t you want to work smarter, not harder?
Consider my quote the next time you are rushing to fix the problem. “Children are not objects in need of fixing; but rather, humans in need of understanding.“
If you don’t pause to consider their interior landscape, you cannot fully understand children. Feelings of safety and security grow as children learn to identify, understand, and express what they think, feel, perceive, sense, and believe with an organizing presence to guide them.
Not someone who dismisses and denies their perspective as they share.
Taken together, this information will support you in updating your perception of children’s behavior during uncertain times. And yours!
For those ready to cultivate a more empathetic and supportive approach, read How to Effectively Navigate Challenges with Children. This article offers in-depth strategies and practical guidance to help build healthier, more nurturing connections.
To learn more about teaching and parenting with the brain in mind, visit my You Tube Channel or follow me on Instagram.